Friday, October 29, 2010

Don't Stop Believin'

The highlight of Jack's Valley was singing Don't Stop Believin in the showers on the last night. With multitudes of other naked men. It was brotastic. I gotta say this out does it by a long shot.

The setting is Game 2 last night of the World Series, Giants against Rangers. Middle of the 8th inning (right before the Giants went off on the Rangers bullpen). Don't Stop Believin over the speakers in the park, and none other than Steve Perry, Journey's lead singer, stands up to lead the crowd in sing-a-long-song.

Worth the $500 ticket price in the upper sections? Probably. From a true Giants fan, Steve Perry is the man. Honorary Bro of the week.

Fear the Beard.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Weekly Bro-port

It's that time of the week again! The moment you have all been waiting for.

Neighbrohood (n.): The concentrated congregation of many bros in a regional area; it is characterized by loud parties, fine ladies, and... bros.
Bro #1: "Hey dude this shit is getting pretty lame. You wanna find some girls and head on back to the neighbrohood?"

Bro #2: "Ya man, that's CHILL."


"Some men are born bro, some achieve broness, and some have broness thrust upon them."
Until next time, stay chill.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Throne of Victory

So there I was (inverted, of course) taking my place on my throne, taking the Browns to the Superbowl, dropping off a load, (read: pooping). Obviously next move is pull out the iPhone, and set off Doodle Jumping.

High score. No big deal.

News-worthy? Well considering the biggest news item yesterday was Ozzy Osbourne's lineage ("...and recent drug tests on Ozzy Osbourne's blood samples have come back.... Positive!"), I'd say it just might be.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Bro Bible

Stories of excessive alcohol abuse, promiscuous sexual activities with multiple partners, and brofessional douchebro-ery?. All in one convenient, caps-lock ridden, poorly edited, New York Times Best-Seller? Well needless to say ladies and gents, we have found our bible.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max, self-proclaimed (and now critically acclaimed) douchebag, is a quasi-autobiography recounting the best and the worst of an emerging adulthood characterized by nothing other than the essence of bro.

I read it understanding it has an underground reputation of being on the required reading list for today's college freshmen. Well obviously the situation is different, but I digress. I'd put it on the same list. Other reviewers aren't so smitten.

"A cluster of stories about an overgrown frat boy whose only recreational activities are getting drunk, insulting people and having anonymous and often degrading sex, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell doesn't know what it wants to be. It clearly is tangentially related to the "don't be like this guy" comedy of Seth McFarlane, Seth Rogen, et al, but also has millions of adoring frat boy fans who find Max' misogynistic alcoholic scumbag to be a positive role model."
- Robert L. Field, 2009

Either way it's worth a read, no matter which end of the boat you're on. I mean hey, even Tucker himself reminds readers:
"...I am an asshole, I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world."

I recommend "Tucker Goes to Vegas", pg 72.

Stay chill.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Weekly Bro-port

Time for this week's lesson.

Mount Brolympus (n.): Elevated sanctuary of the bro-deities; the place where immortal bros lounge around on their bro-throne controlling their bromain.

e.g: "Damn, kept both your collars popped through the whole keg-stand. That kind of power should be up on Mount Brolympus."

"Among those who dislike broppression are many who like to broppress."
- Napoleon Bronaparte

Stay chill.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Baseball, Tits, and Fireworks

It's rare that you come across a true token of patriotism. Whether it's a "Kick their ass, take their gas" bumper sticker on a F-350 Super Duty Hemi, or a good 'ol American mullet, these novelties are unfortunately few and far between.

This specimen was unveiled at a recent Ultimate tournament, and may just top the former examples. Without further ado, I present:

Ol' Glory: America's Best Energy Drink.

Complete with proper convenience store bargain of 99 cents, encompassing american flag print, and Army National Guard recruiting number around the top. Not to mention, just in case you forget, the Pledge of Allegiance. (notice the emphasis on UNDER GOD)

Needless to say, it tasted like baseball, tits, and fireworks. It was chill(ed).

Quick Update

It's been a few days since our last post and I would like to apologize to our loyal fans for that. I realize you may have felt yourself sinking into a sort of depression/withdrawal, but everything is going to be ok. Just take a few deep breaths and let this tide you over until Thursday when we release our next bro-port.

First... we had an ultimate frisbee playoff game today. We won, no big deal. But more importantly, when told by an upperclassman to score a touchdown, I replied with "Broceeding, sir." It was chill.

Even more important and amazing than that, however, is what happened after the game. While making our way back to the hill we decided to have a little contest. We each grabbed a random golf ball off the ground and stood around 25 yds from the soccer goal. Ryan went first, successfully hitting the crossbar. While he was busy celebrating what he thought was a victory, I came up clutch and hit it too. It was super chill. We even did a bro fist bump to celebrate.

But anyways... now we are in the semifinals for ultimate and starting this week will be posting our genius more often. Stay tuned.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Weekly Bro-port

"The most important thing I learned is that soldiers listen to what their leaders say. You can give them classes and lecture them forever, but it is your personal brocabulary they will follow." - General Colin L. Powell (an obvious bro)

With this in mind, we have decided to write a "Weekly Bro-port". This will include a bro "word of the week", a bro "quote of the week" (both of which will be on the following week's k-test), and a recap of all things bro from the week before.

Lo and behold, we will kick it off with the basics.

Bromo Sapien (n.): The latin genus and species in which you find your common bro. He lays the groundwork for all things bro. (See also: lax pinny, natty light)

I got a tan of my name and lax number on my back, so I can be on the skins team, and babes still know who I am.”

Stay chill.

Salutations, Introductions

Hello, bonjour, おはよう ございます, guten tag, γεια σου, malo, etc. etc. Welcome to Day 1, seat belts fastened and tray tables returned to their normal position, seats upright and locked.

What you will find to follow are important facts, artistic fiction, absurdities, normalities, witty comments, stone serious demands, and everything in between. Anything interesting, with a tangy twist of Falcon love sprinkled here and there.

On behalf of Ben and I, we hope you enjoy, stay tuned.

Thanks for flying.